When God Has Other Plans

2 Month Old 

        It has been a good month and a half since I've last written to you. This is lame sauce on my part.  Honestly though, being a new mom is not an easy adventure to undertake. I've listened to many mothers tell me that once your baby is here you won't have much time for anything. It isn't that I didn't believe them, or that I thought things would be different for my baby and I. I think I just didn't fully realize what that would entail. I didn't realize that after Charlotte was born that my meals would almost literally be in-haled as I bounced her to sleep in my arms, or that I would most look forward to my five minutes in the shower. Motherhood has been one of the most precious experiences for me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it isn't easy-it is exhausting, sometimes frustrating, I'm constantly finding bodily fluids all over my would-be-clothes, and overall it is time-consuming. My days have been filled with little more than diaper changes, burping marathons, feedings, naps, dancing in the living room to stop her little tears, and lots and lots of prayer. I love it (or most of- it poop and spit up I could do without.), it has left little time to write.

      So much has happened these last several weeks, I'm not even sure where to begin. The biggest change for us has been our move to New York. I've been having some health complications for a while and after Charlotte came, things suddenly intensified to the point of needing constant supervision on my part. There was fear that I could potentially drop my sweetheart, and no one wanted to risk that. So almost overnight I was being 'mommy sat' constantly. My mom actually came up from New York (note that she has 6 other kids at home, but still came to help me for which I'm so thankful) and staid with me sleeping on an air mattress for 5 weeks while we worked with doctors to figure things out. After two weeks and a couple consults with my doctors and a specialist it became very clear to us that there would be a long-term need for support and help as I worked through my health issues. After praying and thinking long and hard, Alex and I came to the conclusion that the best thing for our family would be to move in with my parents in New York while we work through this process. So over the last three weeks we packed up and moved back to my home town.

Valentines Day

     There is such a huge part of me that is so relieved to be back home with my family and friends, but that aside I cannot deny the shame and frustration I feel due to the fact that I can't be relied on to take care of my own baby and my husband. All my life I've dreamed of being a mom and a wife, and now that I am wearing both shoes, I find I have to rely on other people to help me for the sake of my child and husband. Shame- it isn't an easy thing to deal with. I know that God has a plan for our family and that He is walking with us through these health issues, but I cannot deny the fact that I feel like less of a person, mother, wife and friend due to my health and emotional needs. I wanted to be a super mom. I wanted to do it all, but instead I am struggling to lead a semi-normal life. When Alex and I first got married we both prayed a prayer that we believe has drastically changed our life together- a prayer that proves God hears and answers us when we pray. It was a simple and an honest desire, but we didn't realize then the impact it would have on us. We wanted to live out a life that wasn't easy or normal- we wanted to struggle and constantly be challenged, we wanted God to strengthen us and perfect us, we wanted to live a life that God could work through; not finding comfort and ease where we could forget the gravity of our walk with the Lord. God heard us that evening. Since that day we have had nothing less than a walk filled with trials and tribulations. Normal? Haha, not at all.

Kisses for the baby

    Even though we wouldn't change a thing that we have gone through and endured, it's no secret that it isn't easy to walk in joy, peace and faith. We have cried, been angry, and questioned more in the last year and a half than we have in our entire lives. God took seriously our desire to grow and understand Him more. This struggle with my health and the journey we are walking through the process is just the beginning of Him working in our hearts. We are stumbling through day by day all the while praying for some clear direction. Somehow things always work out, and I know in the end we will only be stronger and have a clearer picture of who God is.

      Long story short, we are fully moved into my parents house. Alex is looking for a job and we are trusting God to provide something for us, and I am starting to move forward to find healing and to get our life somewhat back together. I want to be the best mom that I can be, and I'm learning that even if I have to struggle with health issues the rest of my life, amidst the shame and feelings of failure, God will help me be a mother to my daughter and a wife to my husband. As we get settled I hope to write more and share more of what God is teaching me as a wife and mother.

Love,
Leah



 

I'm a Mom?

1 1/2 weeks old

      How do you write about your experiences as a first time mom?  I have been so afraid to write; to try to put into words the overwhelming incomprehensible emotions. I am almost certain it is impossible to contain these precious sacred experiences in simple words, for words alone can not amount to the joy, love and devotion I have for my daughter. I don't want my simple words to take away from the beauty of these last few weeks. I don't want to loose the magic that surrounds my beating heart. So, I will have to trust that my simple words joined with your beautiful imaginations can capture a small part of this past month. I have faith that someday those of you who are not yet parents will understand the moment your arms are filled with the life of your own child, and that you who have children of your own truly understand the depths of wonder and wistful beauty of what I am about to share.

One month old

     Becoming a first time mom has been like stepping into a fairytale; there have been emotions and experiences I've only read about in story books suddenly capturing me in reality. She is more beautiful and perfect than I could have ever imagined. From her crooked pinky fingers (inherited by me) to her pixie like face, she could not be more beautiful in any way. She is our very own dark-haired native American fairy princess. Loved and prayed for before she was here, she is no-less a gift today than she was the moment we found out we were pregnant, the days we wondered if she would make it, or the moments of hearing her heart beat and watching her grow inside my womb defying our fears and worries. There is a part of me that still can't comprehend the fact that this precious baby is mine and I had a part in creating it.

      From the first few days in the hospital to today- five weeks later- we have been so blessed to have a generally happy, content baby. For the most part she sleeps well, eats wonderfully, and has a pretty dependable schedule. She loves being in the car and going out, and especially taking walks outside when it is warm enough. She has been ahead of where she should be developmentally especially for a premie, from day one confirming what we always believed: she is a fighter.

"Though she be but little she be fierce" - Shakespeare  

     The first few weeks were bliss. I just held her in my arms every moment I could, savoring the sweet scent of her newborn skin, kissing her soft little toes, playing with her mop of silky hair, memorizing every detail of her petite little face. She slept so well for us and maybe breast feeding a beautiful bonding experience. My mom was able to stay with me for several days before heading back to New York to help me as I recovered from the surgery, making the experience that much more precious. There was something about holding my daughter in my arms being completely overwhelmed with love for her and realizing that twenty years ago my mom was holding me and experiencing that same emotion.

      Two and a half weeks after her birth she scared us with sudden breathing difficulties. We ended up in the PICU for several days as they tried to figure out what was causing her breathing problems. For the first time I understood the fear and anxiety a parent feels for their children when they are ill or struggling. Seeing her on the big bed, naked, hooked up to multiple monitors, crying as they tried taking her blood for a third time. How my heart wrenched inside of me. There were tears as I fought to be strong for her, I felt sick as I watched her sob with little tears streaming down her cheeks, wondering all the while if she was going to be okay. I would have done anything to take the pain and fear away. We were admitted into the hospital Saturday night and was in the PICU until Wednesday morning when we were given the okay to take her home again. She ended up having a slight case of apnea (a condition where they stop breathing for a few seconds while sleeping) and an upper-respritory infection. With love and patience she rebounded beautifully. A few days later she was back to her normal little self.

Charlie Ann's Christmas dress

        In this last month we celebrated our first christmas together as a family. Charlotte was the most beautiful gift we could have ever hoped for. We realized for the first time how great God's sacrifice was when Jesus was born and the love He had not only for His son but for His people too. It gave us a new perspective on christmas and our celebration went far beyond family tradition, and exchange of gifts.
   
      At Charlotte's first month check up we were so excited to learn that she has gained almost two pounds and grew and inch in length. She is finally fitting in her newborn clothes and most of her 0-3 months. Already she seems so much bigger. Her little legs are getting rolls and her hair has only grown longer.

She loves sleeping with Daddy

    Watching her grow and develop this last month has only intensified my love and ultimate devotion for her. Though part of me still can't believe that I am now a mother to this little life,  I've known I wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. Holding her in my arms today makes everything I went through to bring her into the world healthy and happy worthwhile and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I can't wait to see what God does in her life and in the life of our family.

       

When Charlotte Came

         It is no secret that this pregnancy has been filled with trials and complications, or that we wondered for a while whether this baby would make it full term-if we would loose it before we had a chance to meet it. Charlotte has been defying odds from the moment of her conception. Just days after we discovered that we were pregnant the doctors were concerned that we could be loosing her. After weeks passed and multiple sonograms and a lengthy time spent off my feet, we had hope that maybe just maybe she would make it. She was a fighter; 5 weeks turned into 14 weeks and before we knew it we were in the second trimester, off of bed rest with most of our fears resolved for the moment.

       Then came 16 weeks and suddenly things weren't looking good for her or myself. I was restricted from most of my activities again, and prayer was reinforced full fledged. It felt like every minute we turned around there was something else threatening the life growing inside of me. When one problem was resolved another one approached us from behind another pivotal moment.

       More than anything in the world, we just wanted to see this baby safe and healthy but after being told at 28 weeks pregnant that we could give birth to a very premature baby, our hearts dropped and we prepared for the worst. Family, friends and strangers lifted us up in prayer, and Charlotte's name was being whispered to the heavens through the hearts and well wishes of people we hoped she would grow to meet and know.

      It became a day-by-day waiting game. We were in the process of switching doctors and were becoming very frustrated with the doctors we were seeing. It felt like these new doctors weren't taking us seriously, or giving our babies life much thought. After multiple trips, and rescheduled appointments  we finally met with a doctor for a consult and immediately felt a difference. For the first time a doctor was taking my health problems seriously and was working to prepare us for the worst. We requested a transfer to their office and we were taken under the wing of this doctor. We finally had some hope for our daughter regardless of what happened in the next few weeks.

      We were in and out of the hospital almost weekly with premature labor, but with medication and prayers Charlotte continued to grow strong and healthy inside of me. At 35 weeks I started having consistent contractions 10 minutes apart and began slowly dilating. I was officially in pre-labor and we knew that we would finally be able to hold our baby soon. The week felt like it went on forever. Every moment we wondered how we would know it was truly time and then there was the fear of making it to the hospital in time to deliver via c-section like we had planned. It was to the likeness of standing on pins and needles.

       Finally monday came, and that night we knew something had changed, so we promptly made our way to the hospital for what we hoped was the last time being pregnant. They kept me overnight with contractions every 5 minutes apart as I started to dilate a little more. But after not seeing much progress in the labor they sent us home 14 hours later. The next three days were the longest days I think I have ever endured. The labor wasn't progressing enough to pursue our c-section, but it was present enough to keep me from sleep, leaving me exhausted, anxious and impatiently praying.

      With a major snowstorm headed our way and the trip to the hospital already being long and precarious from our little home in the woods, both Alex and I were worried about how quickly we would be able to make it to the hospital should the labor begin to progress. Our biggest fear was that we wouldn't make it to the hospital on-time. After all of the trips to the hospital hopelessness began to set in. We had reached a point where we were sure that I would simply continue at this stage in labor for the next three to four weeks until we reached full term. We began to convince ourselves that the time was not coming.

      Wednesday we made our way to the doctors for a follow-up appointment. Our doctor was on vacation for the week so we were seeing another doctor from the office. We waited for a good 30 min in the waiting room during which my contractions suddenly became increasingly more frequent and sever. When they finally brought us back to a room we sat for another lengthy time waiting to hear where we were in our laboring. When the doctor finally came in, it was only a matter of minutes before it was evident to her that my water had finally broken and we needed to do the c-section that day!

      I have never been so excited to hear that someone was finally going to cut me open (while I was fully conscious) and pulling a living human being from the depths of my womb. All fear of the operation, and the anxiety for Charlotte faded away and the reality that we were going to actually get to hold our daughter overwhelmed us. Just when we had convinced ourselves that this moment would never come, we were sitting hand in hand daring to believe that everything was going to be just fine.

     After a few minutes the doctor came back in the room to inform us that my doctor had stopped in the office and heard about our situation and wanted to do the c-section himself- on his vacation. Alex and I were overwhelmed. We couldn't believe what we were hearing. We were rushed over to the hospital and suddenly we hardly had a moment to breathe or truly think about what was going to happen.

   The operation was scheduled about an hour and a half to two hours later, but the process of getting ready stole the time and ran with it. Before I knew it I was sitting on the edge of a cold blue table with 5 to 8 nurses around me, a needle in my back and the world rapidly spinning around me. Alex was waiting outside the door dressed in blue from his head to his toes (very sexy by-the-way) but all I wanted was his hand in mine whispering sweet-nothings in my ear, letting me know I was going to be alright.

       Surgeries are never easy- always filled with anxiety, and tummies fluttering with enough butterflies to fill a sanctuary. The fact that I was about to be sliced and diced didn't manifest until the spinal had set and I slowly began loosing feeling below my head- where upon my world frantically began spinning until Alex walked in. His eyes met mine and all butterflies fluttered away as though a breeze had come and carried them away. Fifteen minutes later a little cry rose above the chatter of the doctors and nursing staff.
   
       I don't know if there are words to describe the moment I heard her cry for the first time. Joy, relief and love are possibly the only words needed. Tears spilled down my face as Alex took his daughter into his arms for the first time. Immobilized, I laid on the table while I listened to my daughter; never has the tears of a startled child sounded more like music then the moment I realized that the baby we have been praying for and dreaming of was alive and well.

      Alex and her nurse brought her over to me, and I stared into the face of the most beautiful, peaceful baby I had ever seen. With a head of thick dark black hair, and petite perfect features I was looking into the face of my daughter. I was taken aback by her beauty and her serene demeanor. At four weeks premature, she was healthy and more perfect than I had ever imagined possible. As she was taken away to the nursery while I was being put back together all I could do was pray and praise God for the miracle that had taken place. I am fairly certain that my heart was not the only one singing, but that the voices of the angel harmoniously fell on the ears of the Lord that afternoon.

     Charlotte Rae Ann was born on Wednesday the 11th, of December, the year 2013, at exactly 2:00 pm, or 1400 hours. She weighed 5 lbs. and 7 oz. and measured 19inches long.


       There is truly no way to fully share the experience of having your child in your arms for the first
time and I cannot thank my family, our friends, and everyone who has come along side us during this journey. This has not been an easy road to travel; there were many days we wondered if we would make it to the moment we held her in our arms and kissed her face. The prayers and encouragement we were surrounded with had an incredible impact on us and I choose to believe on Charlottes little life.

      We cannot wait for her to meet her family and our friends and church family. We hope that she continues to grow and thrive on all of the prayers and positive relationships around her. Thank you all so much for everything!!!

Much love,
Leah

     

Encouraging Versus Discouraging (Also Rambling)

          We are two days away from 36 weeks and waiting anxiously for the moment when active labor will start. This past wednesday after a prenatal check up, we were delighted to learn that I am officially in pre-labor! I've been in pre-labor since Sunday December 1st. While waiting is quite uncomfortable, we are over joyed to learn that every day is just one day closer to holding our daughter in our arms. Pre-labor can go on for hours, days or weeks; there is no scientific way to estimate when our active labor could start. Only God has power to control when the moment is right.

          Approaching these last few weeks (or days) of our pregnancy has left my emotions raw and vulnerable. While excited and overjoyed to be so close to the end of this beautiful experience, there is a part of me where my 'pregnancy dragon' (as my husband so fondly refers to my uncontrollable and raging hormones) walks and waits seeking to latch on to any negative comment, or well-meaning but misunderstood advice where I then sit and smolder. It is so easy to get carried away and offended by well-meaning advice and the sharing of personal experience with intent to prepare us for our new responsibilities. It can make it difficult to sort through the waves of emotions and fears that rise following these conversations.

         While I have been more emotional and sensitive than normal, both Alex and I have been equally surprised and shocked at the many negative comments and opinions that have been expressed and shared regarding our pregnancy and our impending parenthood. We have been equally shocked to learn that we are not the only first time parents being bombarded with these comments and opinions. This has become so much of a discouragement to us that I cannot simply ignore it any longer, not just for our sake but also for the sake of those who face similar experiences.

         Pregnancy and childbearing is an incredible, beautiful experience. While some moments may not be pleasant or desired there is no way we can deny the miracle that is growing inside of us. Alex and I were not sure we would ever have the opportunity to bear children of our own, especially after the loss of our first two pregnancies last year. While we have always had a heart after adoption, since childhood there has been an unspoken wonder and desire to someday experience the beauty of creating and carrying a child of my own. When we first got married we were not planning on trying for children of our own for several years, but when we learned we were pregnant for the first time, suddenly overwhelming love for that unborn child captivated our hearts and we knew we would do whatever it took to provide the best life we could for him or her.

         We knew then that planning and providing for a child was not going to be easy, but we didn't care. The love and passion we had for that child overrode our original idea of the perfect time for a child. When we lost the baby it only reiterated how truly precious the gift of a child is. We would have done anything in the world to keep that baby. When we lost our second child just about two months later we were beyond devastated. Suddenly parenthood wasn't so easily obtained and planned, but it was that much more precious and lovely.

          When we finally became pregnant with Charlotte, our joy and excitement could not be contained.   We were certain that all of heaven was singing and rejoicing at the life that was being created within me. God had taught us a valuable lesson with the loss of our first two and the difficulties we faced becoming pregnant again- we knew we couldn't earn the right to be parents, and we didn't have control over her life within us- she was a gift from God. Seeing that little heart beat for the first time was one of the most beautiful moments through this whole pregnancy. The fact that we were going to have a baby became a living reality to us. Our hearts rejoiced like never before.

            This pregnancy has been far from easy. We have run into complication after complication, but every day has been a beautiful gift all the same. I am willing to do and endure whatever it takes to give this precious child the best chance at life regardless of how painful and uncomfortable moments can be. There is nothing I wouldn't go through with joy and rejoicing for life maturing in my womb. Why then do so many people feel that it is necessary to point out all of the negative things that come with the responsibilities of parenting?

            While Alex and I are fully aware that parenthood is not going to be a walk in the park, or that labor and delivery is going to be a painful experience, it is not helping us to have people so focused on preparing us for the sleepless nights, and moments of frustration and discouragement that come with raising children. Becoming a parent is full of questions, fears, and insecurities without the added well-meaning comments and opinions from the people around us. We so desperately need people to come alongside us and help us to focus on the budding beauty and joy that comes with parenthood, not the "Just wait until she cries all night. You will be miserable when she wont let you sleep." or "You have no idea what your getting yourself into." While these comment may have truth in them, why are people so focused on the negative experiences in parenthood?

              One of the most frustrating experiences I have had so far, are peoples opinions on the fact that I am having a C-Section instead of a natural birth due to personal health issues. While there is a huge part of me that is relieved that I'm getting cut open after everything that I've been through, there is also a huge part of me that is terrified of going through this surgery and the recovery processes. It often feels like at times that people are trying to convince me that I shouldn't have a c-section, and they have to make sure I know how miserable and difficult the recovery could be, as if I am not already nervous. Having a baby (especially for the first time) no matter how you have it is a scary process. We do not need to be constantly reminded or given opinions on how we should do it, or what to expect afterwards. A negative approach, no matter how well-meaning it may be, when not asked for, only invokes more insecurities and fear than preparing and encouraging these impending experiences.

            Unintentionally people often are found focusing and remembering the difficult and uncomfortable moments of parenthood. First time parents (speaking for Alex and myself) know we don't have it all together. We know that we are going to be learning and taking this new journey with our family day by day. We know that we are going to make mistakes and that there may come days when we are at a loss of patience and wisdom. When people continue to reinforce how difficult and hard their experiences of raising children where, it leaves us feeling hopeless and discouraged in every way.
 
         There have been times when through expressing our joy and excitement for our daughter and the life we have been given to share with her, people have thought it necessary to impose the impending hardships that come with children. As if by not saying anything they are allowing us to blissfully and ignorantly walk into this entirely unprepared, and with a good conscious they must remind us of reality. Unfortunately when any negative opinions are routinely expressed, it makes it sound like your kids are not worth everything that you've been through to raise them and care for them. When constantly bombarded by these comments, we feel like we aren't supposed to be happy or overjoyed for this baby we are soon to bring home- that our love and passion for her wont last the day she keeps us up at all hours of the night.

           As first time parents, we need the people in our lives to stand with us and encourage us. Fill our ears and hearts with thoughts of joy and love. Recognize with us that God is going to help us walk through everyday of parenthood-that we will not be doing this on our own. Share with us the love you have for your children, and worth their lives are to you. Doubt, fear, and insecurities are natural response to change- we need positive and uplifting advice and encouragement.

            The fact stands that there truly is nothing anyone can say or do to steal the joy and love we have for our little girl, but allow us to freely express and enjoy these last few days or weeks of this pregnancy, and the wonder that will come watching Charlotte grow and mature in our arms. Don't weigh down our hearts with added fears and insecurities. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant of the struggles we will face, and enjoy every moment that I have today without any hint of fear or uncertainty. Our baby is an incredible gift; when we are discouraged we may need people to remind us of that. Come alongside us and other parents and help us to see the beauty in raising children when the days do become hard.

           It breaks my heart hear the incredible amount of bitterness and naturally negative responses to parenthood. Most of the people in our lives have been an incredible encouragement to us through this pregnancy. However we have to recognize that it is so easy and naturally human for us to have a pessimistic approach on life, and it is equally easy to impose that on other people as they grow and mature in their lives experiencing new things like: choosing a college, pursuing a career, getting married and having babies. As followers of Christ, brothers, and sisters through Him, let remember to be a people whose words reflect the heart of God; that we would lovingly encourage one another and that our words would be full of life, joy, and faith.


Much love,
Leah

Home At Last

          We finally did it! We are in our own home, mostly unpacked and ready to bring home our little girl! There are no words to express the relief and joy of having a place to call home again. Though we are beyond thankful and blessed to have family to lean on through the last few months, we are so happy to go to bed in our own room, with the silent wonderment at the stillness of our new dwelling. We know that this is just the beginning to a new journey, with new struggles and trials, but for today we rest in peace and with hope in God for whatever awaits us down the road.

We have beautiful big windows and sky lights that let in light

           Charlie Ann is still snuggled up inside my womb growing stronger with everyday. According to my doctor we are now out of the water, and if she were born today she would have half the fight to grow and mature those little lungs! He thinks I have a good chance of going full term at this point. Though we never know the timing and plans of God. My family is coming for three weeks hoping to be here for the birth. I hope they don't have to  go home disappointed, but I cannot deny that I trust God with the timing of all of this!

Our couch has long been missed! Many naps await in the future.

        I am so excited to see all of my siblings and my parents again. I miss being involved in their lives, and being close enough to stop by. Here we were prepared to spend this holiday season without the blessing of sharing it with them, and now God has opened a door and graciously blessed us with an opportunity to share more than just a weekend together. I am so overwhelmed by all that God is doing in our lives. I know that these next few months will be far from easy, especially for my hard working husband, but I look forward to watching God continue to provide for us and blow us away with His gracious, merciful love!


Here are some pictures of our new home! I can't wait to bring Charlie Ann home. I finally feel like we have an appropriate place to bring her home too!

Charlotte's changing table/dresser. 

Rocking chair for Charlotte! 

A window seat with a gorgeous view! 

Beautiful dinning room! 

A kitchen of my own again! 

There are so many wonderful nooks and crannies.

My own laundry room! 

Charlie's little bed! 

Ready with essentials for midnight feedings.

Our own bed again! With two big windows to look at the stars! 

               We are in love with our new home. There is more space than we know what to do with! Our landlord is a believer himself and has been more than accommodating to us. God has blessed us above and beyond anything we could have expected, we can only hope we can use this blessing to bless other in our lives now. 

             So now we just wait and pray for the day we can bring our baby home, and begin this next part of our journey together.

Creative Cooking

            Cooking on a budget while continuing to send those taste buds into a flavor coma starts with the basics and ends with creative combinations! Since moving into our new home, we have been able to do our own grocery shopping and cooking again. Part of my most recent conviction is to cook healthy, well balanced meals while staying within a strict budget. Unfortunately in todays economy, eating healthy clean foods is not a budget conscious endeavor. You can buy a big package of Ramon noodles for the price of an orange. It has been an interesting year of learning what kinds of staples are wise and healthy options and understanding how to make several meals from a few staples. 

                I love expressing myself creatively in any way that I can. Over the last few years I began experimenting with cooking; creating original dishes that burst with flavor, leading to a symphony of harmonious savor. The most recent concoction my husband and I attempted was a pasta dish marinated in an alfredo based sauce, with shrimp, fresh garlic, spinach, artichokes and *cherry tomatoes. We have found that pasta is a great inexpensive staple that is very filling is small portions. I loved the simplicity of this dish while yet being pleasantly surprised by the rich bursting flavor that met our taste buds with genuine enthusiasm. 

             We have found that pasta is a fabulous inexpensive staple that is very filling in small portions, so it can go a long way. We love spinach and artichoke dip (the inspiration for this entree), therefore because spinach has so many great vitamins I've been trying to find ways to incorporate it in our meals. A cheese based sauce with spinach and artichokes and fresh garlic was a great inexpensive was to add a little zest to our meal. I really wanted to experiment with different meats outside of our typical chicken breasts and ground beef meals. So I decided to try shrimp. I was really surprised to discover how inexpensive a bag of cooked frozen shrimp ended up being. We didn't even use half of the 1lb. bag I bought for this meal. 

               Over all I am learning that there are very simple inexpensive ways to dress up a meal and add a little excitement to our pallets. I want to be excited to cook while still learning how to plan our menus wisely and effectively. What are some of your favorite family dishes that have been easy and inexpensive? What are your families favorite staples?

Spinach and Artichoke Alfredo Fettuccine

1/2 lb. whole wheat fettuccine pasta   

1/3 a small bag of frozen spinach

1/2 16oz. can of artichoke hearts chopped

1 to 2 cloves of garlic minced

1/2 lb. frozen cooked shrimp

16 oz. jar of alfredo sauce or homemade sauce if you prefer

*we weren't fond of the cherry tomatoes, however if you like tomatoes we cut them up in quarters and let them sweat in a hot skillet after sautéing the vegetables and shrimp. 

Boil water with olive oil and a pinch of salt for pasta. Meanwhile prepare garlic and artichokes and sauté in olive oil with frozen spinach. Cook pasta when water is boiling. Add the shrimp and let warm through completely. Add the alfredo sauce to veggies and meat and let simmer for 10 to 15 min. Pour over cooked pasta.

We served it with fresh herbed bread and olive oil and parmesan cheese to dip. 

The Story of my Pregnancy

A follower of Butterflies and Rosy Eyes requested sharing the story of my pregnancy and some pictures following the growth of our little girl! We are currently 31 weeks pregnant and due the first week of January, though our doctors seem to think we will be delivering sometime before January.  

  This pregnancy has been full of twist and turns, taking us down a road we were no where near prepared for. It has been like hiking a mountain in flip flops and swimsuits - being prepared for a completely different adventure. We are worn out and looking for a ledge where we can simply rest, breathe and recuperate from the climax of these last few weeks. We can see the top of the mountain from our perch here, so we know we are in for the home stretch now.  

Before our wedding in August of 2012, we had both agreed that we were going to wait for a couple years before we tried for a baby of our own. We wanted time with each other adjusting to our new life together and a chance to pursue school and careers before the responsibility of a baby. However, about two months after our wedding, we were more than surprised to learn we were expecting our first baby. It is amazing how quickly you are able to change your way of thinking when the reality of becoming parents presents itself. We quickly warmed up to the idea of being parents to our first baby. We knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but regardless we were carrying our very own child and we were going to do whatever it took to care after it. 

Seahorse

Starfish

God’s plans for that precious child were not expected when I miscarried at 8 weeks. We had been grieving for not more than 3 weeks when we learned we were (pregnant again) or still pregnant with a second baby. We are fairly certain that our first baby (affectionately known to us as our Seahorse) had a twin brother or sister (Starfish).  The baby growing inside of me gave us hope, though the pain and heart ache from our first still resonated deep in our hearts. We were so afraid that we were going to loose that baby that we had a really hard time connecting with the blooming life within me. Not  a month later Starfish went to be with the Lord as well. 

The grief of loosing a child is great. Even for those we never met or had opportunity to hold. Nothing in the world could have prepared us for the emotions we struggled through with those miscarriages. It left a gaping whole in both of our hearts. Our little family had been ripped from our open arms. We decided to try for another baby, realizing that all we wanted was to be parents. Several months went by without a positive test. We were so discouraged. Not only had we lost two babies, but now we weren’t able to conceive another. 

One night, up late talking we began praying together. That evening something happened in our hearts. We were able to come together and give that hunger and desire for a child to God. I will never forget that night. We brought our burdened hearts to the Lord and committed our children to Him- the ones we lost and the one we desired. If it was God’s will, we knew He had the power to give us a baby of our own, but if He choose not to, we were going to find joy and peace in serving God anyway. We wanted God to be glorified through whatever He had planned for us. So we decided that we weren’t going to try anymore. We were leaving it in His hands and focusing our hearts completely on Him. 

It was almost three weeks to the day when we found out we were expecting again. I swear, angels were singing and the heavens rejoiced with us. Our hearts soared to unexpected heights, though deep in the back of our minds a fear of death nagged and followed like unwelcome shadow. Part of our hearts were determined to refuse the idea of loosing this baby, but there was no denying the possibility of another miscarriage. So we prayed. 

Alex and I ended up moving into my parents house within the month after dealing with some unfortunate situations in our living situation. I was jobless temporarily, but Alex continued working as much as he could to provide for us. We were determined to keep the news of our pregnancy a secret until we were sure the baby would be okay, but our excitement quickly escalated over our determination and before we knew it the news had spread like a wildfire. 

5 Weeks

Our first prenatal appointment was a milestone we had yet to reach in our previous pregnancy. We never had the opportunity to see their heartbeats, or confirm their existence. We waited for that first appointment and ultrasound with an urgency and excitement that matched that of our wedding day. The moment we saw the flicker of that   healthy little heart for the first time hope filled our anxious spirits, and a love perviously incomprehensible bound the three of us together. We knew we would be inseparable from that hour ever onward.   

From day one Alex was convinced that my womb carried and groomed the life of his son. Whenever anyone asked, his instantaneous response confidently divulged his overt conviction that I carried none other than a boy. I was less confident and secretly hoped for a little girl. Only time would tell.

Being jobless, though stressful in many ways ended up become more of a blessing then a burden. God knows exactly what we need when we need it. Not more than four weeks had passed before I started having serious complications with the pregnancy. I was put on bed rest, after discovering internal bleeding from the placenta placement. The biggest concern was that the placenta would come away from the utero  wall leaving the baby without oxygen or nourishment. We knew that the only thing we could do at that point was pray and follow the doctors orders. 

Days came and went with the slothful speed of a slug. It was the first time I had been without work upon my early graduation where I began full time employment. Being bed ridden, and forbidden to do anything useful with myself only increased the unsettling feeling growing inside my stomach and frequent hours of distraught anxiety. God was testing my faith, patience, and devotion to Him. It was a grueling ordeal raging with ferocious emotions threatening derailment of all sanity. All we wanted was a healthy baby in the end. Not knowing whether he or she would make it ate us from the inside out. 

Alex continued working but started looking for better employment opportunities, to help support us while I was out of work. There was no telling how long I would be on bed rest or what other complications I could end up facing preventing me from working. As it happened, up state New York was not the place to look for employment. We began looking into other options and after much prayer and consideration, we decided to move to Maine where Alex’s family ran a carriage company. 

Things happened so quickly, we hardly had time to comprehend or prepare for the move. We were going to temporarily move into an RV trailer on the farm until we could get back on our feet again. The plan was to be in our own place sometime in February after the baby was born. We were going to rough it for the next several months, though there was no way to fully prepare this sheltered city girl for life on a working farm. 

A week before the move, I ended up back in the ER after multiple fainting episodes and significant unexplainable memory loss. Our biggest fear was that something was wrong with the baby. A few hours later we were more than relieved to see a very active dancing baby twirling and jumping in my womb. We were over joyed to learn that the internal bleeding had resolved itself and the baby was no longer in any immediate danger. In addition, every day we were closer to the second trimester-known to be the mark of a healthy pregnancy, where the risks of miscarrying significantly drop.   For the first time in weeks we finally felt like we could breathe again. 

Although the baby was healthy and I was being taken off bed rest, the doctors did find evidence of a concussion due to a head injury that I had no recollection of receiving. They concluded after careful consideration that in the midst of one of my fainting spells, I had hit my head and suffered memory loss of the entire day. They advised me to take it very easy and watch the frequency of my episodes. I was also given strict orders to surround myself with people whenever I could and to keep a journal of any incidents when I was alone. 

Fainting seemed a little price to pay for the health of the baby at the time. Little did I know how sever the episodes would become, or the underlying health complication that would be revealed later. I was happy enough at the time to keep myself surrounded, and focus my time and energy in the people I was around. We continued to prepare for our impending move with a renewed gusto. Devastated though we were to leave all of our dear friends and family, we could not help the intrigue of a new adventure. 

14 Weeks

My family piled our few belongings in the back of their twelve passenger van, and with my six siblings in tow followed us up to Maine. (P.S. if ever in need of a talented packer my brother is the most skilled organizer I have ever known. He has managed to pack large things into small spaces without leaving a single thing out. He is nothing less than a skilled master!) Our little grey car (affectionally known as The Iguana) took off in song and with a joyful determination, the road laying before us open and inviting us in as friendly strangers.

It has always been a dream of mine to live by the ocean. I never actually thought I would live less than 2 minutes away from the open water, let alone in an RV on a farm where chickens would wake us at the crack of dawn with their song to the rising sun. It was wonderful living in an area where my family would want to visit us. Slowly things began to seem brighter and we had hope that things would finally begin working for us rather than against us. 

Alex immediately began work on the farm and loved the change in the work environment. I settled in unpacking as much as I could to make our new little home inviting, being creative with storage and organization. I also began meeting with my new doctors and working on getting our new health care figured out. It was a fun excited first few weeks. We enjoyed sight seeing, catching up with family and meeting our new church family. 

A few weeks into our move I finally received the okay to search for employment. I was hired within the week as a nanny for a family who had recently taken over a lovely bed and breakfast. Before I had even began official employment I was also hired by the family to help hostess their restaurant where they served dinner to the public. I was in my glory! I enjoyed working with kids again and loved the new experience working as a hostess. I met some incredible people and heard some amazing stories from people all over the world. It was a blessing I indulged myself in as much as I could. 

Those few weeks were nothing less than the calm before the storm. Over the course of a few weeks it became painfully clear that I was dealing with a much larger problem than mere fainting spells. After consulting with my new doctor, we were told that I was probably dealing with a case of seizures which were being brought out by the increase of hormones from the pregnancy. The first step was to schedule an extended EEG better known as a sleep study. 

At first the episodes mimicked nothing more than dazing off but after multiple experiences where I continued to struggle with memory loss and increased fainting we became concerned. I continued to work, but made my condition known to my incredibly generous and understanding employers. After just a few weeks however, the episodes took a turn for the worst. Though I wasn’t dealing with Grand Mall seizures I was loosing feeling in my limbs and the ability to function through the episodes, and the length of the episodes increased significantly. Instead of recovering in a matter of minutes, it would take days to begin feeling more like myself. 

Gender Reveal

Meanwhile we had our 18 week ultra sound, where we had the opportunity to learn the sex of our baby. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the baby boy Alex was so convinced we were having had little lady parts, undeniable even to the inexperienced onlooker. As he looked at our little girl with her hand tucked by her little face, I could see his heart melting and falling more and more in love with every second. I have never had any doubts about his impending fatherhood, but in that moment I knew that his little girl would be his very treasure. We had no arguments about her name from the moment we saw her. She was our little Charlotte Rae Ann, and we couldn’t wait to bring her home dressed in pink, with her little rosy eyes.

        In the midst of all of the excitement we were still very worried about the effect these frequent episodes could have on the baby and the delivery process. For the time being however the best we could do was sit and wait and start praying again, but in the process I sank into a deep depression. The reality of the move began to sink in and with the problems I was having I felt isolated and disconnected from my life. After talking with my midwives I was given permission to go to New York for a week with for my baby shower and to spend some time visiting with my friends and family hoping that the trip would ease the side effects of the depression. 

 

The baby shower was incredible! I got to see my close friends and family from out of state that I hadn’t the opportunity of seeing for well over a year. It was such a blessing to spend time in my families home again and to get to see my best friends again before the babies birth.  What an amazing blessing it is to be surrounded by so many people who care so deeply for you and your little growing family. That week has easily been one of the most precious moments of this pregnancy. 

I came home eager to see my beloved husband, refreshed and ready to take on the world again. I wasn’t home a week before my doctors restricted my ability to work or drive. I was suddenly completely dependent on my working husband and my gracious mother-in-law for everything. My depression set in again, causing the days to meld together and my hope dwindle ever more. 

26 Weeks

I finally made it to the day of my EEG. After a long, grueling 24 hours of no sleep (26 weeks pregnant mind you) I was hooked up to a machine and fell asleep to the rhythmic beat of the bleeping computers outside my room. The test came out negative with little surprise to anyone due to difficulty in catching any evidence of this kind of seizure. Even still we were painfully disappointed as we were hoping for an easy solution. Never-the-less we continued on, looking for answers.

Two weeks later things only became more complicated when I began contracting and was admitted to the hospital with a threatening preterm labor. I was a finger tip to one centimeter dilated, and was immediately put on medication to stop the contractions. After a long 36 hours I was finally sent home, my contractions settled and the fear of an early delivery temporarily at bay. I was sent home with strict instructions to watch my contractions closely and if there were any changesI was to go to the hospital immediately. 

27 Weeks

Neither Alex or myself were prepared for possibility of a little premie. There were so many things that could go wrong. We still didn’t have anything unpacked, washed or ready for her, in no way were we prepared to bring a baby home. While that should have been the furthest fear in our minds, the unsettling reality that we could potentially give birth to a very little baby was beyond terrifying.  

We began preparing for an early birth; talking with premie survivors, researching what to expect if she were born before full-term. Within the next two weeks I ended up in the hospital four separate occasions, but each time was sent home within a few hours with little to no cervix change. We began to breathe a little easier and felt significantly more prepared for whatever could wait beyond the corner. 

In the midst of all the chaos, I was transferred to another group specializing in high risk pregnancies. We were so frustrated with the disorganization and felt like our case wasn’t being taken seriously. But we felt like we had our hand tied and could do nothing more than wait patiently for some answers and follow up appointments. We finally ironed down a consultant appointment with a doctor who would help us figure out what the safest delivery process would be due to another other underlying issue I had that could potentially complicate the delivery process. I also began seeing a difference in my seizure activity after being put on a low dose of magnesium. Things seemed to be significantly improving and I had hope that the episodes would no longer be a big issue. 

Another week passed, I was finally at 31 weeks and was feeling hopeful that I would be able to avoid another weekly trip to the hospital. I had my consultant appointment that afternoon and I was feeling okay at the moment. Suddenly I felt like my water broke. I was completely soaked through and terrified that I could potentially have a baby that day. Contractions started coming hard, and the pain was unlike anything I had experienced so far. I was quickly rushed to the hospital. 

We were more than relieved to learn that it wasn’t my water breaking that I had experienced, but something that mimicked the feeling of your water breaking. It was a good indicator that my cervix had began softening preparing for true labor, and the pain and pressure in my back only seemed to confirm the diagnostic. I was released, and had just enough time to make it to my next appointment. 

Our meeting with the doctor went far better than expected and we finally felt like we were on the road to answers. He confirmed our fears that the complications with a natural birth were a high risk, but possible if we really felt like we needed to do that. He strongly encouraged us to consider a cesarian section instead. I never thought I would consider a C-section due to the risks and recovery involved with that surgery, but after the last few months, specifically the past three weeks, the idea of a C-section came as a relief rather than a burden. After discussing the pros and cons, we confidently decided that the safest plan was a C-section. 

Relief followed like a rain-shower. We requested to be transferred to the doctor and his fellow group of midwives, feeling confident that we were where we needed to be. I was also given a dose of steroids in the office and another today to help the development of Charlie Ann’s lungs should she come early as everyone is expecting she will (though God has a plan of His own). 

I don’t know what will happen in the impending weeks of this pregnancy. I know that I am tired and worn out, and part of me is so ready for this whole ordeal to be over, but there is an undeniable truth to the fact that I would be willing to go through anything in the world to give this precious baby the best environment I can possibly give her. It has been a long hard pregnancy, but nothing has ever been so worth it, or so beautiful.

In the midst of all the chaos, I have had some incredibly beautiful moments as this baby has grown inside of me. We have had many ultrasounds which has given us the opportunity to see her grow and mature in a special way. We know that she has a full head of hair, and that she sleeps with her hands by her face just like I do. We know that she is very active for a baby her size, and that she has a strong and beautiful heart beat. The night we spent in the hospital I was able to fall asleep to the precious sound of her beating heart. 

While I have had several complications I have had a fairly easy pregnancy in many other ways. I haven’t struggled with any morning sickness, and my acid reflux seemed to resolve itself for a time instead of becoming a bigger problem. I have had normal weight gain, and moments of unnatural energy. Over all I love being pregnant. I love feeling the little flutter of baby fingers and toes combing the inside of my womb, and waking up to her little hiccups. I love how she gets so excited whenever she hears her daddies voice (there is no doubt that she will be a daddies girl). It is an amazing experience holding life within me. 

We are having a baby. There is nothing that quiet matches the emotions of our impending parenthood. We are so in love with this baby girl, and no matter what happens we know that God is going to take care of us. We just have to make it through the next few weeks. Whatever happens we know God will give us the strength, peace of heart, and clarity of mind we need.