The Story of my Pregnancy

A follower of Butterflies and Rosy Eyes requested sharing the story of my pregnancy and some pictures following the growth of our little girl! We are currently 31 weeks pregnant and due the first week of January, though our doctors seem to think we will be delivering sometime before January.  

  This pregnancy has been full of twist and turns, taking us down a road we were no where near prepared for. It has been like hiking a mountain in flip flops and swimsuits - being prepared for a completely different adventure. We are worn out and looking for a ledge where we can simply rest, breathe and recuperate from the climax of these last few weeks. We can see the top of the mountain from our perch here, so we know we are in for the home stretch now.  

Before our wedding in August of 2012, we had both agreed that we were going to wait for a couple years before we tried for a baby of our own. We wanted time with each other adjusting to our new life together and a chance to pursue school and careers before the responsibility of a baby. However, about two months after our wedding, we were more than surprised to learn we were expecting our first baby. It is amazing how quickly you are able to change your way of thinking when the reality of becoming parents presents itself. We quickly warmed up to the idea of being parents to our first baby. We knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but regardless we were carrying our very own child and we were going to do whatever it took to care after it. 

Seahorse

Starfish

God’s plans for that precious child were not expected when I miscarried at 8 weeks. We had been grieving for not more than 3 weeks when we learned we were (pregnant again) or still pregnant with a second baby. We are fairly certain that our first baby (affectionately known to us as our Seahorse) had a twin brother or sister (Starfish).  The baby growing inside of me gave us hope, though the pain and heart ache from our first still resonated deep in our hearts. We were so afraid that we were going to loose that baby that we had a really hard time connecting with the blooming life within me. Not  a month later Starfish went to be with the Lord as well. 

The grief of loosing a child is great. Even for those we never met or had opportunity to hold. Nothing in the world could have prepared us for the emotions we struggled through with those miscarriages. It left a gaping whole in both of our hearts. Our little family had been ripped from our open arms. We decided to try for another baby, realizing that all we wanted was to be parents. Several months went by without a positive test. We were so discouraged. Not only had we lost two babies, but now we weren’t able to conceive another. 

One night, up late talking we began praying together. That evening something happened in our hearts. We were able to come together and give that hunger and desire for a child to God. I will never forget that night. We brought our burdened hearts to the Lord and committed our children to Him- the ones we lost and the one we desired. If it was God’s will, we knew He had the power to give us a baby of our own, but if He choose not to, we were going to find joy and peace in serving God anyway. We wanted God to be glorified through whatever He had planned for us. So we decided that we weren’t going to try anymore. We were leaving it in His hands and focusing our hearts completely on Him. 

It was almost three weeks to the day when we found out we were expecting again. I swear, angels were singing and the heavens rejoiced with us. Our hearts soared to unexpected heights, though deep in the back of our minds a fear of death nagged and followed like unwelcome shadow. Part of our hearts were determined to refuse the idea of loosing this baby, but there was no denying the possibility of another miscarriage. So we prayed. 

Alex and I ended up moving into my parents house within the month after dealing with some unfortunate situations in our living situation. I was jobless temporarily, but Alex continued working as much as he could to provide for us. We were determined to keep the news of our pregnancy a secret until we were sure the baby would be okay, but our excitement quickly escalated over our determination and before we knew it the news had spread like a wildfire. 

5 Weeks

Our first prenatal appointment was a milestone we had yet to reach in our previous pregnancy. We never had the opportunity to see their heartbeats, or confirm their existence. We waited for that first appointment and ultrasound with an urgency and excitement that matched that of our wedding day. The moment we saw the flicker of that   healthy little heart for the first time hope filled our anxious spirits, and a love perviously incomprehensible bound the three of us together. We knew we would be inseparable from that hour ever onward.   

From day one Alex was convinced that my womb carried and groomed the life of his son. Whenever anyone asked, his instantaneous response confidently divulged his overt conviction that I carried none other than a boy. I was less confident and secretly hoped for a little girl. Only time would tell.

Being jobless, though stressful in many ways ended up become more of a blessing then a burden. God knows exactly what we need when we need it. Not more than four weeks had passed before I started having serious complications with the pregnancy. I was put on bed rest, after discovering internal bleeding from the placenta placement. The biggest concern was that the placenta would come away from the utero  wall leaving the baby without oxygen or nourishment. We knew that the only thing we could do at that point was pray and follow the doctors orders. 

Days came and went with the slothful speed of a slug. It was the first time I had been without work upon my early graduation where I began full time employment. Being bed ridden, and forbidden to do anything useful with myself only increased the unsettling feeling growing inside my stomach and frequent hours of distraught anxiety. God was testing my faith, patience, and devotion to Him. It was a grueling ordeal raging with ferocious emotions threatening derailment of all sanity. All we wanted was a healthy baby in the end. Not knowing whether he or she would make it ate us from the inside out. 

Alex continued working but started looking for better employment opportunities, to help support us while I was out of work. There was no telling how long I would be on bed rest or what other complications I could end up facing preventing me from working. As it happened, up state New York was not the place to look for employment. We began looking into other options and after much prayer and consideration, we decided to move to Maine where Alex’s family ran a carriage company. 

Things happened so quickly, we hardly had time to comprehend or prepare for the move. We were going to temporarily move into an RV trailer on the farm until we could get back on our feet again. The plan was to be in our own place sometime in February after the baby was born. We were going to rough it for the next several months, though there was no way to fully prepare this sheltered city girl for life on a working farm. 

A week before the move, I ended up back in the ER after multiple fainting episodes and significant unexplainable memory loss. Our biggest fear was that something was wrong with the baby. A few hours later we were more than relieved to see a very active dancing baby twirling and jumping in my womb. We were over joyed to learn that the internal bleeding had resolved itself and the baby was no longer in any immediate danger. In addition, every day we were closer to the second trimester-known to be the mark of a healthy pregnancy, where the risks of miscarrying significantly drop.   For the first time in weeks we finally felt like we could breathe again. 

Although the baby was healthy and I was being taken off bed rest, the doctors did find evidence of a concussion due to a head injury that I had no recollection of receiving. They concluded after careful consideration that in the midst of one of my fainting spells, I had hit my head and suffered memory loss of the entire day. They advised me to take it very easy and watch the frequency of my episodes. I was also given strict orders to surround myself with people whenever I could and to keep a journal of any incidents when I was alone. 

Fainting seemed a little price to pay for the health of the baby at the time. Little did I know how sever the episodes would become, or the underlying health complication that would be revealed later. I was happy enough at the time to keep myself surrounded, and focus my time and energy in the people I was around. We continued to prepare for our impending move with a renewed gusto. Devastated though we were to leave all of our dear friends and family, we could not help the intrigue of a new adventure. 

14 Weeks

My family piled our few belongings in the back of their twelve passenger van, and with my six siblings in tow followed us up to Maine. (P.S. if ever in need of a talented packer my brother is the most skilled organizer I have ever known. He has managed to pack large things into small spaces without leaving a single thing out. He is nothing less than a skilled master!) Our little grey car (affectionally known as The Iguana) took off in song and with a joyful determination, the road laying before us open and inviting us in as friendly strangers.

It has always been a dream of mine to live by the ocean. I never actually thought I would live less than 2 minutes away from the open water, let alone in an RV on a farm where chickens would wake us at the crack of dawn with their song to the rising sun. It was wonderful living in an area where my family would want to visit us. Slowly things began to seem brighter and we had hope that things would finally begin working for us rather than against us. 

Alex immediately began work on the farm and loved the change in the work environment. I settled in unpacking as much as I could to make our new little home inviting, being creative with storage and organization. I also began meeting with my new doctors and working on getting our new health care figured out. It was a fun excited first few weeks. We enjoyed sight seeing, catching up with family and meeting our new church family. 

A few weeks into our move I finally received the okay to search for employment. I was hired within the week as a nanny for a family who had recently taken over a lovely bed and breakfast. Before I had even began official employment I was also hired by the family to help hostess their restaurant where they served dinner to the public. I was in my glory! I enjoyed working with kids again and loved the new experience working as a hostess. I met some incredible people and heard some amazing stories from people all over the world. It was a blessing I indulged myself in as much as I could. 

Those few weeks were nothing less than the calm before the storm. Over the course of a few weeks it became painfully clear that I was dealing with a much larger problem than mere fainting spells. After consulting with my new doctor, we were told that I was probably dealing with a case of seizures which were being brought out by the increase of hormones from the pregnancy. The first step was to schedule an extended EEG better known as a sleep study. 

At first the episodes mimicked nothing more than dazing off but after multiple experiences where I continued to struggle with memory loss and increased fainting we became concerned. I continued to work, but made my condition known to my incredibly generous and understanding employers. After just a few weeks however, the episodes took a turn for the worst. Though I wasn’t dealing with Grand Mall seizures I was loosing feeling in my limbs and the ability to function through the episodes, and the length of the episodes increased significantly. Instead of recovering in a matter of minutes, it would take days to begin feeling more like myself. 

Gender Reveal

Meanwhile we had our 18 week ultra sound, where we had the opportunity to learn the sex of our baby. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the baby boy Alex was so convinced we were having had little lady parts, undeniable even to the inexperienced onlooker. As he looked at our little girl with her hand tucked by her little face, I could see his heart melting and falling more and more in love with every second. I have never had any doubts about his impending fatherhood, but in that moment I knew that his little girl would be his very treasure. We had no arguments about her name from the moment we saw her. She was our little Charlotte Rae Ann, and we couldn’t wait to bring her home dressed in pink, with her little rosy eyes.

        In the midst of all of the excitement we were still very worried about the effect these frequent episodes could have on the baby and the delivery process. For the time being however the best we could do was sit and wait and start praying again, but in the process I sank into a deep depression. The reality of the move began to sink in and with the problems I was having I felt isolated and disconnected from my life. After talking with my midwives I was given permission to go to New York for a week with for my baby shower and to spend some time visiting with my friends and family hoping that the trip would ease the side effects of the depression. 

 

The baby shower was incredible! I got to see my close friends and family from out of state that I hadn’t the opportunity of seeing for well over a year. It was such a blessing to spend time in my families home again and to get to see my best friends again before the babies birth.  What an amazing blessing it is to be surrounded by so many people who care so deeply for you and your little growing family. That week has easily been one of the most precious moments of this pregnancy. 

I came home eager to see my beloved husband, refreshed and ready to take on the world again. I wasn’t home a week before my doctors restricted my ability to work or drive. I was suddenly completely dependent on my working husband and my gracious mother-in-law for everything. My depression set in again, causing the days to meld together and my hope dwindle ever more. 

26 Weeks

I finally made it to the day of my EEG. After a long, grueling 24 hours of no sleep (26 weeks pregnant mind you) I was hooked up to a machine and fell asleep to the rhythmic beat of the bleeping computers outside my room. The test came out negative with little surprise to anyone due to difficulty in catching any evidence of this kind of seizure. Even still we were painfully disappointed as we were hoping for an easy solution. Never-the-less we continued on, looking for answers.

Two weeks later things only became more complicated when I began contracting and was admitted to the hospital with a threatening preterm labor. I was a finger tip to one centimeter dilated, and was immediately put on medication to stop the contractions. After a long 36 hours I was finally sent home, my contractions settled and the fear of an early delivery temporarily at bay. I was sent home with strict instructions to watch my contractions closely and if there were any changesI was to go to the hospital immediately. 

27 Weeks

Neither Alex or myself were prepared for possibility of a little premie. There were so many things that could go wrong. We still didn’t have anything unpacked, washed or ready for her, in no way were we prepared to bring a baby home. While that should have been the furthest fear in our minds, the unsettling reality that we could potentially give birth to a very little baby was beyond terrifying.  

We began preparing for an early birth; talking with premie survivors, researching what to expect if she were born before full-term. Within the next two weeks I ended up in the hospital four separate occasions, but each time was sent home within a few hours with little to no cervix change. We began to breathe a little easier and felt significantly more prepared for whatever could wait beyond the corner. 

In the midst of all the chaos, I was transferred to another group specializing in high risk pregnancies. We were so frustrated with the disorganization and felt like our case wasn’t being taken seriously. But we felt like we had our hand tied and could do nothing more than wait patiently for some answers and follow up appointments. We finally ironed down a consultant appointment with a doctor who would help us figure out what the safest delivery process would be due to another other underlying issue I had that could potentially complicate the delivery process. I also began seeing a difference in my seizure activity after being put on a low dose of magnesium. Things seemed to be significantly improving and I had hope that the episodes would no longer be a big issue. 

Another week passed, I was finally at 31 weeks and was feeling hopeful that I would be able to avoid another weekly trip to the hospital. I had my consultant appointment that afternoon and I was feeling okay at the moment. Suddenly I felt like my water broke. I was completely soaked through and terrified that I could potentially have a baby that day. Contractions started coming hard, and the pain was unlike anything I had experienced so far. I was quickly rushed to the hospital. 

We were more than relieved to learn that it wasn’t my water breaking that I had experienced, but something that mimicked the feeling of your water breaking. It was a good indicator that my cervix had began softening preparing for true labor, and the pain and pressure in my back only seemed to confirm the diagnostic. I was released, and had just enough time to make it to my next appointment. 

Our meeting with the doctor went far better than expected and we finally felt like we were on the road to answers. He confirmed our fears that the complications with a natural birth were a high risk, but possible if we really felt like we needed to do that. He strongly encouraged us to consider a cesarian section instead. I never thought I would consider a C-section due to the risks and recovery involved with that surgery, but after the last few months, specifically the past three weeks, the idea of a C-section came as a relief rather than a burden. After discussing the pros and cons, we confidently decided that the safest plan was a C-section. 

Relief followed like a rain-shower. We requested to be transferred to the doctor and his fellow group of midwives, feeling confident that we were where we needed to be. I was also given a dose of steroids in the office and another today to help the development of Charlie Ann’s lungs should she come early as everyone is expecting she will (though God has a plan of His own). 

I don’t know what will happen in the impending weeks of this pregnancy. I know that I am tired and worn out, and part of me is so ready for this whole ordeal to be over, but there is an undeniable truth to the fact that I would be willing to go through anything in the world to give this precious baby the best environment I can possibly give her. It has been a long hard pregnancy, but nothing has ever been so worth it, or so beautiful.

In the midst of all the chaos, I have had some incredibly beautiful moments as this baby has grown inside of me. We have had many ultrasounds which has given us the opportunity to see her grow and mature in a special way. We know that she has a full head of hair, and that she sleeps with her hands by her face just like I do. We know that she is very active for a baby her size, and that she has a strong and beautiful heart beat. The night we spent in the hospital I was able to fall asleep to the precious sound of her beating heart. 

While I have had several complications I have had a fairly easy pregnancy in many other ways. I haven’t struggled with any morning sickness, and my acid reflux seemed to resolve itself for a time instead of becoming a bigger problem. I have had normal weight gain, and moments of unnatural energy. Over all I love being pregnant. I love feeling the little flutter of baby fingers and toes combing the inside of my womb, and waking up to her little hiccups. I love how she gets so excited whenever she hears her daddies voice (there is no doubt that she will be a daddies girl). It is an amazing experience holding life within me. 

We are having a baby. There is nothing that quiet matches the emotions of our impending parenthood. We are so in love with this baby girl, and no matter what happens we know that God is going to take care of us. We just have to make it through the next few weeks. Whatever happens we know God will give us the strength, peace of heart, and clarity of mind we need.