Encouraging Versus Discouraging (Also Rambling)

          We are two days away from 36 weeks and waiting anxiously for the moment when active labor will start. This past wednesday after a prenatal check up, we were delighted to learn that I am officially in pre-labor! I've been in pre-labor since Sunday December 1st. While waiting is quite uncomfortable, we are over joyed to learn that every day is just one day closer to holding our daughter in our arms. Pre-labor can go on for hours, days or weeks; there is no scientific way to estimate when our active labor could start. Only God has power to control when the moment is right.

          Approaching these last few weeks (or days) of our pregnancy has left my emotions raw and vulnerable. While excited and overjoyed to be so close to the end of this beautiful experience, there is a part of me where my 'pregnancy dragon' (as my husband so fondly refers to my uncontrollable and raging hormones) walks and waits seeking to latch on to any negative comment, or well-meaning but misunderstood advice where I then sit and smolder. It is so easy to get carried away and offended by well-meaning advice and the sharing of personal experience with intent to prepare us for our new responsibilities. It can make it difficult to sort through the waves of emotions and fears that rise following these conversations.

         While I have been more emotional and sensitive than normal, both Alex and I have been equally surprised and shocked at the many negative comments and opinions that have been expressed and shared regarding our pregnancy and our impending parenthood. We have been equally shocked to learn that we are not the only first time parents being bombarded with these comments and opinions. This has become so much of a discouragement to us that I cannot simply ignore it any longer, not just for our sake but also for the sake of those who face similar experiences.

         Pregnancy and childbearing is an incredible, beautiful experience. While some moments may not be pleasant or desired there is no way we can deny the miracle that is growing inside of us. Alex and I were not sure we would ever have the opportunity to bear children of our own, especially after the loss of our first two pregnancies last year. While we have always had a heart after adoption, since childhood there has been an unspoken wonder and desire to someday experience the beauty of creating and carrying a child of my own. When we first got married we were not planning on trying for children of our own for several years, but when we learned we were pregnant for the first time, suddenly overwhelming love for that unborn child captivated our hearts and we knew we would do whatever it took to provide the best life we could for him or her.

         We knew then that planning and providing for a child was not going to be easy, but we didn't care. The love and passion we had for that child overrode our original idea of the perfect time for a child. When we lost the baby it only reiterated how truly precious the gift of a child is. We would have done anything in the world to keep that baby. When we lost our second child just about two months later we were beyond devastated. Suddenly parenthood wasn't so easily obtained and planned, but it was that much more precious and lovely.

          When we finally became pregnant with Charlotte, our joy and excitement could not be contained.   We were certain that all of heaven was singing and rejoicing at the life that was being created within me. God had taught us a valuable lesson with the loss of our first two and the difficulties we faced becoming pregnant again- we knew we couldn't earn the right to be parents, and we didn't have control over her life within us- she was a gift from God. Seeing that little heart beat for the first time was one of the most beautiful moments through this whole pregnancy. The fact that we were going to have a baby became a living reality to us. Our hearts rejoiced like never before.

            This pregnancy has been far from easy. We have run into complication after complication, but every day has been a beautiful gift all the same. I am willing to do and endure whatever it takes to give this precious child the best chance at life regardless of how painful and uncomfortable moments can be. There is nothing I wouldn't go through with joy and rejoicing for life maturing in my womb. Why then do so many people feel that it is necessary to point out all of the negative things that come with the responsibilities of parenting?

            While Alex and I are fully aware that parenthood is not going to be a walk in the park, or that labor and delivery is going to be a painful experience, it is not helping us to have people so focused on preparing us for the sleepless nights, and moments of frustration and discouragement that come with raising children. Becoming a parent is full of questions, fears, and insecurities without the added well-meaning comments and opinions from the people around us. We so desperately need people to come alongside us and help us to focus on the budding beauty and joy that comes with parenthood, not the "Just wait until she cries all night. You will be miserable when she wont let you sleep." or "You have no idea what your getting yourself into." While these comment may have truth in them, why are people so focused on the negative experiences in parenthood?

              One of the most frustrating experiences I have had so far, are peoples opinions on the fact that I am having a C-Section instead of a natural birth due to personal health issues. While there is a huge part of me that is relieved that I'm getting cut open after everything that I've been through, there is also a huge part of me that is terrified of going through this surgery and the recovery processes. It often feels like at times that people are trying to convince me that I shouldn't have a c-section, and they have to make sure I know how miserable and difficult the recovery could be, as if I am not already nervous. Having a baby (especially for the first time) no matter how you have it is a scary process. We do not need to be constantly reminded or given opinions on how we should do it, or what to expect afterwards. A negative approach, no matter how well-meaning it may be, when not asked for, only invokes more insecurities and fear than preparing and encouraging these impending experiences.

            Unintentionally people often are found focusing and remembering the difficult and uncomfortable moments of parenthood. First time parents (speaking for Alex and myself) know we don't have it all together. We know that we are going to be learning and taking this new journey with our family day by day. We know that we are going to make mistakes and that there may come days when we are at a loss of patience and wisdom. When people continue to reinforce how difficult and hard their experiences of raising children where, it leaves us feeling hopeless and discouraged in every way.
 
         There have been times when through expressing our joy and excitement for our daughter and the life we have been given to share with her, people have thought it necessary to impose the impending hardships that come with children. As if by not saying anything they are allowing us to blissfully and ignorantly walk into this entirely unprepared, and with a good conscious they must remind us of reality. Unfortunately when any negative opinions are routinely expressed, it makes it sound like your kids are not worth everything that you've been through to raise them and care for them. When constantly bombarded by these comments, we feel like we aren't supposed to be happy or overjoyed for this baby we are soon to bring home- that our love and passion for her wont last the day she keeps us up at all hours of the night.

           As first time parents, we need the people in our lives to stand with us and encourage us. Fill our ears and hearts with thoughts of joy and love. Recognize with us that God is going to help us walk through everyday of parenthood-that we will not be doing this on our own. Share with us the love you have for your children, and worth their lives are to you. Doubt, fear, and insecurities are natural response to change- we need positive and uplifting advice and encouragement.

            The fact stands that there truly is nothing anyone can say or do to steal the joy and love we have for our little girl, but allow us to freely express and enjoy these last few days or weeks of this pregnancy, and the wonder that will come watching Charlotte grow and mature in our arms. Don't weigh down our hearts with added fears and insecurities. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant of the struggles we will face, and enjoy every moment that I have today without any hint of fear or uncertainty. Our baby is an incredible gift; when we are discouraged we may need people to remind us of that. Come alongside us and other parents and help us to see the beauty in raising children when the days do become hard.

           It breaks my heart hear the incredible amount of bitterness and naturally negative responses to parenthood. Most of the people in our lives have been an incredible encouragement to us through this pregnancy. However we have to recognize that it is so easy and naturally human for us to have a pessimistic approach on life, and it is equally easy to impose that on other people as they grow and mature in their lives experiencing new things like: choosing a college, pursuing a career, getting married and having babies. As followers of Christ, brothers, and sisters through Him, let remember to be a people whose words reflect the heart of God; that we would lovingly encourage one another and that our words would be full of life, joy, and faith.


Much love,
Leah