I'm a Mom?

1 1/2 weeks old

      How do you write about your experiences as a first time mom?  I have been so afraid to write; to try to put into words the overwhelming incomprehensible emotions. I am almost certain it is impossible to contain these precious sacred experiences in simple words, for words alone can not amount to the joy, love and devotion I have for my daughter. I don't want my simple words to take away from the beauty of these last few weeks. I don't want to loose the magic that surrounds my beating heart. So, I will have to trust that my simple words joined with your beautiful imaginations can capture a small part of this past month. I have faith that someday those of you who are not yet parents will understand the moment your arms are filled with the life of your own child, and that you who have children of your own truly understand the depths of wonder and wistful beauty of what I am about to share.

One month old

     Becoming a first time mom has been like stepping into a fairytale; there have been emotions and experiences I've only read about in story books suddenly capturing me in reality. She is more beautiful and perfect than I could have ever imagined. From her crooked pinky fingers (inherited by me) to her pixie like face, she could not be more beautiful in any way. She is our very own dark-haired native American fairy princess. Loved and prayed for before she was here, she is no-less a gift today than she was the moment we found out we were pregnant, the days we wondered if she would make it, or the moments of hearing her heart beat and watching her grow inside my womb defying our fears and worries. There is a part of me that still can't comprehend the fact that this precious baby is mine and I had a part in creating it.

      From the first few days in the hospital to today- five weeks later- we have been so blessed to have a generally happy, content baby. For the most part she sleeps well, eats wonderfully, and has a pretty dependable schedule. She loves being in the car and going out, and especially taking walks outside when it is warm enough. She has been ahead of where she should be developmentally especially for a premie, from day one confirming what we always believed: she is a fighter.

"Though she be but little she be fierce" - Shakespeare  

     The first few weeks were bliss. I just held her in my arms every moment I could, savoring the sweet scent of her newborn skin, kissing her soft little toes, playing with her mop of silky hair, memorizing every detail of her petite little face. She slept so well for us and maybe breast feeding a beautiful bonding experience. My mom was able to stay with me for several days before heading back to New York to help me as I recovered from the surgery, making the experience that much more precious. There was something about holding my daughter in my arms being completely overwhelmed with love for her and realizing that twenty years ago my mom was holding me and experiencing that same emotion.

      Two and a half weeks after her birth she scared us with sudden breathing difficulties. We ended up in the PICU for several days as they tried to figure out what was causing her breathing problems. For the first time I understood the fear and anxiety a parent feels for their children when they are ill or struggling. Seeing her on the big bed, naked, hooked up to multiple monitors, crying as they tried taking her blood for a third time. How my heart wrenched inside of me. There were tears as I fought to be strong for her, I felt sick as I watched her sob with little tears streaming down her cheeks, wondering all the while if she was going to be okay. I would have done anything to take the pain and fear away. We were admitted into the hospital Saturday night and was in the PICU until Wednesday morning when we were given the okay to take her home again. She ended up having a slight case of apnea (a condition where they stop breathing for a few seconds while sleeping) and an upper-respritory infection. With love and patience she rebounded beautifully. A few days later she was back to her normal little self.

Charlie Ann's Christmas dress

        In this last month we celebrated our first christmas together as a family. Charlotte was the most beautiful gift we could have ever hoped for. We realized for the first time how great God's sacrifice was when Jesus was born and the love He had not only for His son but for His people too. It gave us a new perspective on christmas and our celebration went far beyond family tradition, and exchange of gifts.
   
      At Charlotte's first month check up we were so excited to learn that she has gained almost two pounds and grew and inch in length. She is finally fitting in her newborn clothes and most of her 0-3 months. Already she seems so much bigger. Her little legs are getting rolls and her hair has only grown longer.

She loves sleeping with Daddy

    Watching her grow and develop this last month has only intensified my love and ultimate devotion for her. Though part of me still can't believe that I am now a mother to this little life,  I've known I wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. Holding her in my arms today makes everything I went through to bring her into the world healthy and happy worthwhile and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I can't wait to see what God does in her life and in the life of our family.

       

When Charlotte Came

         It is no secret that this pregnancy has been filled with trials and complications, or that we wondered for a while whether this baby would make it full term-if we would loose it before we had a chance to meet it. Charlotte has been defying odds from the moment of her conception. Just days after we discovered that we were pregnant the doctors were concerned that we could be loosing her. After weeks passed and multiple sonograms and a lengthy time spent off my feet, we had hope that maybe just maybe she would make it. She was a fighter; 5 weeks turned into 14 weeks and before we knew it we were in the second trimester, off of bed rest with most of our fears resolved for the moment.

       Then came 16 weeks and suddenly things weren't looking good for her or myself. I was restricted from most of my activities again, and prayer was reinforced full fledged. It felt like every minute we turned around there was something else threatening the life growing inside of me. When one problem was resolved another one approached us from behind another pivotal moment.

       More than anything in the world, we just wanted to see this baby safe and healthy but after being told at 28 weeks pregnant that we could give birth to a very premature baby, our hearts dropped and we prepared for the worst. Family, friends and strangers lifted us up in prayer, and Charlotte's name was being whispered to the heavens through the hearts and well wishes of people we hoped she would grow to meet and know.

      It became a day-by-day waiting game. We were in the process of switching doctors and were becoming very frustrated with the doctors we were seeing. It felt like these new doctors weren't taking us seriously, or giving our babies life much thought. After multiple trips, and rescheduled appointments  we finally met with a doctor for a consult and immediately felt a difference. For the first time a doctor was taking my health problems seriously and was working to prepare us for the worst. We requested a transfer to their office and we were taken under the wing of this doctor. We finally had some hope for our daughter regardless of what happened in the next few weeks.

      We were in and out of the hospital almost weekly with premature labor, but with medication and prayers Charlotte continued to grow strong and healthy inside of me. At 35 weeks I started having consistent contractions 10 minutes apart and began slowly dilating. I was officially in pre-labor and we knew that we would finally be able to hold our baby soon. The week felt like it went on forever. Every moment we wondered how we would know it was truly time and then there was the fear of making it to the hospital in time to deliver via c-section like we had planned. It was to the likeness of standing on pins and needles.

       Finally monday came, and that night we knew something had changed, so we promptly made our way to the hospital for what we hoped was the last time being pregnant. They kept me overnight with contractions every 5 minutes apart as I started to dilate a little more. But after not seeing much progress in the labor they sent us home 14 hours later. The next three days were the longest days I think I have ever endured. The labor wasn't progressing enough to pursue our c-section, but it was present enough to keep me from sleep, leaving me exhausted, anxious and impatiently praying.

      With a major snowstorm headed our way and the trip to the hospital already being long and precarious from our little home in the woods, both Alex and I were worried about how quickly we would be able to make it to the hospital should the labor begin to progress. Our biggest fear was that we wouldn't make it to the hospital on-time. After all of the trips to the hospital hopelessness began to set in. We had reached a point where we were sure that I would simply continue at this stage in labor for the next three to four weeks until we reached full term. We began to convince ourselves that the time was not coming.

      Wednesday we made our way to the doctors for a follow-up appointment. Our doctor was on vacation for the week so we were seeing another doctor from the office. We waited for a good 30 min in the waiting room during which my contractions suddenly became increasingly more frequent and sever. When they finally brought us back to a room we sat for another lengthy time waiting to hear where we were in our laboring. When the doctor finally came in, it was only a matter of minutes before it was evident to her that my water had finally broken and we needed to do the c-section that day!

      I have never been so excited to hear that someone was finally going to cut me open (while I was fully conscious) and pulling a living human being from the depths of my womb. All fear of the operation, and the anxiety for Charlotte faded away and the reality that we were going to actually get to hold our daughter overwhelmed us. Just when we had convinced ourselves that this moment would never come, we were sitting hand in hand daring to believe that everything was going to be just fine.

     After a few minutes the doctor came back in the room to inform us that my doctor had stopped in the office and heard about our situation and wanted to do the c-section himself- on his vacation. Alex and I were overwhelmed. We couldn't believe what we were hearing. We were rushed over to the hospital and suddenly we hardly had a moment to breathe or truly think about what was going to happen.

   The operation was scheduled about an hour and a half to two hours later, but the process of getting ready stole the time and ran with it. Before I knew it I was sitting on the edge of a cold blue table with 5 to 8 nurses around me, a needle in my back and the world rapidly spinning around me. Alex was waiting outside the door dressed in blue from his head to his toes (very sexy by-the-way) but all I wanted was his hand in mine whispering sweet-nothings in my ear, letting me know I was going to be alright.

       Surgeries are never easy- always filled with anxiety, and tummies fluttering with enough butterflies to fill a sanctuary. The fact that I was about to be sliced and diced didn't manifest until the spinal had set and I slowly began loosing feeling below my head- where upon my world frantically began spinning until Alex walked in. His eyes met mine and all butterflies fluttered away as though a breeze had come and carried them away. Fifteen minutes later a little cry rose above the chatter of the doctors and nursing staff.
   
       I don't know if there are words to describe the moment I heard her cry for the first time. Joy, relief and love are possibly the only words needed. Tears spilled down my face as Alex took his daughter into his arms for the first time. Immobilized, I laid on the table while I listened to my daughter; never has the tears of a startled child sounded more like music then the moment I realized that the baby we have been praying for and dreaming of was alive and well.

      Alex and her nurse brought her over to me, and I stared into the face of the most beautiful, peaceful baby I had ever seen. With a head of thick dark black hair, and petite perfect features I was looking into the face of my daughter. I was taken aback by her beauty and her serene demeanor. At four weeks premature, she was healthy and more perfect than I had ever imagined possible. As she was taken away to the nursery while I was being put back together all I could do was pray and praise God for the miracle that had taken place. I am fairly certain that my heart was not the only one singing, but that the voices of the angel harmoniously fell on the ears of the Lord that afternoon.

     Charlotte Rae Ann was born on Wednesday the 11th, of December, the year 2013, at exactly 2:00 pm, or 1400 hours. She weighed 5 lbs. and 7 oz. and measured 19inches long.


       There is truly no way to fully share the experience of having your child in your arms for the first
time and I cannot thank my family, our friends, and everyone who has come along side us during this journey. This has not been an easy road to travel; there were many days we wondered if we would make it to the moment we held her in our arms and kissed her face. The prayers and encouragement we were surrounded with had an incredible impact on us and I choose to believe on Charlottes little life.

      We cannot wait for her to meet her family and our friends and church family. We hope that she continues to grow and thrive on all of the prayers and positive relationships around her. Thank you all so much for everything!!!

Much love,
Leah