I'm a Mom?

1 1/2 weeks old

      How do you write about your experiences as a first time mom?  I have been so afraid to write; to try to put into words the overwhelming incomprehensible emotions. I am almost certain it is impossible to contain these precious sacred experiences in simple words, for words alone can not amount to the joy, love and devotion I have for my daughter. I don't want my simple words to take away from the beauty of these last few weeks. I don't want to loose the magic that surrounds my beating heart. So, I will have to trust that my simple words joined with your beautiful imaginations can capture a small part of this past month. I have faith that someday those of you who are not yet parents will understand the moment your arms are filled with the life of your own child, and that you who have children of your own truly understand the depths of wonder and wistful beauty of what I am about to share.

One month old

     Becoming a first time mom has been like stepping into a fairytale; there have been emotions and experiences I've only read about in story books suddenly capturing me in reality. She is more beautiful and perfect than I could have ever imagined. From her crooked pinky fingers (inherited by me) to her pixie like face, she could not be more beautiful in any way. She is our very own dark-haired native American fairy princess. Loved and prayed for before she was here, she is no-less a gift today than she was the moment we found out we were pregnant, the days we wondered if she would make it, or the moments of hearing her heart beat and watching her grow inside my womb defying our fears and worries. There is a part of me that still can't comprehend the fact that this precious baby is mine and I had a part in creating it.

      From the first few days in the hospital to today- five weeks later- we have been so blessed to have a generally happy, content baby. For the most part she sleeps well, eats wonderfully, and has a pretty dependable schedule. She loves being in the car and going out, and especially taking walks outside when it is warm enough. She has been ahead of where she should be developmentally especially for a premie, from day one confirming what we always believed: she is a fighter.

"Though she be but little she be fierce" - Shakespeare  

     The first few weeks were bliss. I just held her in my arms every moment I could, savoring the sweet scent of her newborn skin, kissing her soft little toes, playing with her mop of silky hair, memorizing every detail of her petite little face. She slept so well for us and maybe breast feeding a beautiful bonding experience. My mom was able to stay with me for several days before heading back to New York to help me as I recovered from the surgery, making the experience that much more precious. There was something about holding my daughter in my arms being completely overwhelmed with love for her and realizing that twenty years ago my mom was holding me and experiencing that same emotion.

      Two and a half weeks after her birth she scared us with sudden breathing difficulties. We ended up in the PICU for several days as they tried to figure out what was causing her breathing problems. For the first time I understood the fear and anxiety a parent feels for their children when they are ill or struggling. Seeing her on the big bed, naked, hooked up to multiple monitors, crying as they tried taking her blood for a third time. How my heart wrenched inside of me. There were tears as I fought to be strong for her, I felt sick as I watched her sob with little tears streaming down her cheeks, wondering all the while if she was going to be okay. I would have done anything to take the pain and fear away. We were admitted into the hospital Saturday night and was in the PICU until Wednesday morning when we were given the okay to take her home again. She ended up having a slight case of apnea (a condition where they stop breathing for a few seconds while sleeping) and an upper-respritory infection. With love and patience she rebounded beautifully. A few days later she was back to her normal little self.

Charlie Ann's Christmas dress

        In this last month we celebrated our first christmas together as a family. Charlotte was the most beautiful gift we could have ever hoped for. We realized for the first time how great God's sacrifice was when Jesus was born and the love He had not only for His son but for His people too. It gave us a new perspective on christmas and our celebration went far beyond family tradition, and exchange of gifts.
   
      At Charlotte's first month check up we were so excited to learn that she has gained almost two pounds and grew and inch in length. She is finally fitting in her newborn clothes and most of her 0-3 months. Already she seems so much bigger. Her little legs are getting rolls and her hair has only grown longer.

She loves sleeping with Daddy

    Watching her grow and develop this last month has only intensified my love and ultimate devotion for her. Though part of me still can't believe that I am now a mother to this little life,  I've known I wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. Holding her in my arms today makes everything I went through to bring her into the world healthy and happy worthwhile and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I can't wait to see what God does in her life and in the life of our family.